There's Breakdown & There's Babies
There is a lot of breakdown and death near me these days. In the last month I have witnessed my cousin’s very slow walk to passing, my brother’s disease winning the fight as his body betraying him at an alarming rate while he sits in an “Assisted Living” facility, that I’m sorry to say does not feel like a living facility at all. My 95 year old neighbor’s near 70 year old son passed 4 days ago from brain cancer, his second bout, and man I know well diagnosed with cancer that is termed “aggressive”. Luckily this man is as strong-willed as the day is long so I think his cancer cells should be ready for quite the battle.
Nearing 60 myself and the youngest of eight siblings, my eldest brother 18 years my senior, I guess this is how it will likely go. I understand that uncertainty abounds on this subject and things can shake up and take turns that we would never expect, but at the least it is likely. My mom lived until a few weeks before her 94th birthday and I recall her saying, “Trish it gets lonely. You lose all your friends and when I get an unexpected call I can’t help but go there. Who is it this time? and then you realize it’s just you.” I distinctly recall the tone of the conversation, my mom not sad really, but accepting of the fact that she outlived almost everyone she knew. But not quite everyone. Her best friend, my Godmother, is 98 and possesses the sharpest of minds. I do not get to see her often but we talk every so often and my mom always comes up. “I miss your mom” she always says. “I do too” I respond. I can only imagine that she feels like my mom, possibly wondering why she has been so fortunate while so many others are not so lucky.
My neighbor said to me yesterday as I visited with him, sitting by his side with only my compassion & sympathy to offer, “It really should have been me. I’m 95 and I’m not supposed to outlive him. I hope the good lord has something in store for me” as his head hung heavy and I saw a hint of a tear. Then he picked his head up and looked out at the calm water of the bay we both share.
I have a long way to go to match the vibrance and vitality of my mom, my Godmother and my neighbor. They all resided, and in the case of my neighbor still resides, at least part of the year, in the northwoods of Wisconsin, breathing the fresh air, swimming in the clear waters and watching the trees sway in the winds. Maybe that’s one of the keys. I’ll guess I won’t know until it’s over. I only hope for myself, that no matter how long I’m here I can exist with my mind in tact and my body moving freely. If that’s the case I will welcome it. If not, well Ill cross that bridge when I come to it. In the mean time I breathe deeply and remind myself to feel gratitude for the day in front of me.
Last evening I got a call. As I picked up the phone I had a fleeting thought and my mom jumped into my mind, “No not another one”. It wasn’t another one. Turns out that my nephew & niece-in-law are expecting their second baby. And there you have it.
Tricia Schwaba, November 1, 2019